When I’m a mother, I’d teach my daughter that men are for women and boys are for girls but don’t stick with a boy longer than she should. Boys are for kisses and men are for babies. That she must treasure her youth and cherish her dignity.

When I’m a mother, I’d let their daddy know our children are forever and our relationship must be sustained for them and we will never have to tell them a heartbreaking decision that will separate any of us.

When I’m a mother, I’d look at my mother and know she has made me and my brother and we’ve became who we are because of her. That she has been right all along that I would be a mother exactly like her.

When I’m a mother, I’d look at my father and tell him we couldn’t change the past but I am here for you now with mother so you must be here with us too.

So we can grow old together. Not just with my children’s daddy but with you and mother too.

Oh how I liked you when you took my hand into yours for the first time and you admitted you have been watching me, that even though your father taught you to keep away from girls because girls aren’t until you are at least seventeen, you wanted me.

Oh how I liked you when I drew a deep breath before sprinting off for another lap of freestyle and you swam past me, your hand grazed purposely towards my tiny breast.

Oh how I liked you when you called from beneath your bed covers and your mother’s footsteps drowned away in the whispers of your fantasies.

Oh how I liked you when you stood under the rain screaming you loved me and your favourite shirt washed away in its ugly blue dye.

Oh how I liked you when we made love for the first time and it was good but I didn’t know if I yielded because I already loved you or that you loved me more.

Oh how I liked you when you rang me every year on my birthday, your hope lingered each time in your voice and looked from afar as I went on with my life without you.

Oh how I liked you when you loved me for so many years and your kiss, your touch and your smell still linger in my memory and sometimes in moments of weakness, I allow myself to think about you and the way my love exploded for you once upon a time.

Oh how I liked you and you and you and you.

Yet you all never lasted and that is good because you all prepared me for someone great who is going to come my way.

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How hard can it be?

It is crazy how I still love Taugey unconditionally and to the point where my heart would bubble over with adoration. It is even crazier how I am letting him go again to pursue his dream. There is not telling how many years this time.

But people tell me this is what love is. Letting your loved ones chase their dreams. This is what I read in fictional love stories where eventually the prince charming earned so much moolah the princess overdosed in Chanel handbags and expensive jacuzzi bubble baths. Because the princess said yes to “Go! Chase your dream!”

What about my dream? I sound like such a whiny bitch but this is what it is, you know.
I really have let myself go it is piteous.
Yet he can just coo at me and I go all soft like a baby’s feet.

I honestly do not think this is really all that love has to offer me. I think it should offer me courage and the wings to fly and the rage to get back up again. I really honestly think that love is more than cuddling in bed on Tuesday afternoons and sex on Sunday nights (this is not a complaint by the way).

Love is what it is five years from now.
When he promised a ring and three children.
When he promised an eternity of pillowtalks.
When he promised endless love and a honeymoon in New Zealand.
When he promised his heart will forever be mine.

Love should not be this pitiful.
8th of January 2010 - that is when another chapter of my life opens.
Let’s all hope it is a pretty happy one.

It was almost the finish line.

It was almost commitment.

It was almost forever.

Almost almost almost.

But almost doesn’t count.

“You’re right. We should take a break.”

What would have been your reaction when the love of your life absolutely agrees with you on this?
Nod?

He nodded and took a step back from my car door so I could drive away.

And that was it. Our goodbye.

Maybe I’m keeping myself up to continuously run thoughts of you, just so you’re always in my system and never far from my thoughts. Just so you’re real and not someone who floats in and out of my dreams whenever I so wishes. Just so you’re in my presence and not somewhere so far away like out of my life.

Yesterday when I awoke from my sleep, I thought of you and imagined your arms around me.

… but I had forgotten how it felt like to be held by you.

The thought stayed with me till now. Haunt every meaning of the word that I typed here. It really gets to me, it makes me so sad that I can forget something as important as the feeling of your touch.

It makes you so much more less real to me and I am so afraid, so afraid of this test.

And yet I’ve never been so much more in love with you… and even if you may think of this as tiring, all these wishing and wanting of each other, I am truly sorry for the burden I’ve become in this relationship, for all the whines that you heard for I would really want nothing else but to just concentrate on being happy just because I have you.

I’m trying my best to remember how it felt like to be held by you. And yet it came to naught so I keep falling.